Deriving Creativity from Pain

Growing up I was quite artistic, I painted with vivid colours and pure passion. I held my happiness and excitement at my fingertips and birthed a piece that evoked the same feelings. Later on as I fell into my adolescence, life became a bit more real, a bit more brutal, and overbearing. My mental health was depleting, my relationships were toxic as I led in the wrong people, and over time I became a dense box filled with fury that I released onto my family. My mind was withering and the only thing that kept me satisfied was art. I drew, I created, I wrote, and despite my frail self-esteem my work became more powerful and raw. My colours turned darker as did my imagery; the faces seemed to appear miserable.

I was so proud of my new work. It seemed to cause a reaction in those around me, they called me talented and brave. My creativity grew parallel to my pain, and I became obsessed. I observed this pattern and let to the conclusion that my ideas were sparked solely through my desolate self.

Over time, this pain that once inflicted myself started to drag others down with me. I hated it, of course, but I couldn’t get myself to receive clinical help because what if I lose my spark? What if the one thing that I loved the most, to create, will fade away with my sadness. I realized I had to sacrifice one side, and being my depressed self I chose to keep my creativity thinking that no matter what, I wouldn’t be healed anyways. Little did I realize that my mind would fall so deep that I lost my desire to make art, so I got help at a moment of desperation and after months went by my mental health drastically improved.

Now you might expect me to give some happy conclusion that despite all this, my creativity is still running free but, I fell back a few steps. My work wasn’t as powerful and I felt less confident of my skills. But the thing that did change was the fire that fueled me. Before, my work was derived from desperation and the last drop of energy I had, whereas now I am given the time to balance my life while creating work that reflects all aspects of my being. Now, I get to work harder for my skills that will stay with me forever, while teaching me to approach other tasks in my life with the same drive, whereas sole talent only brings you to a quick end if it isn’t paired with strategic effort.

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